Stuff My Kids Say

"Mama, when I grow up, I want to be the most organized doctor in the hospital."

I Love a Good List

As I was trolling through Robert's Facebook account today (I do that sometimes. I don't want my own account, but I like to catch up on what his mother is up to. Facebook has become the only way to communicate with her) I came across this list. I was curious as to how I measured up.

With a score of 74, I apparently love food and a good list.

I need to log into Facebook and let Lola know.

100 Foods to Try Before You Die

1. Abalone
2. Absinthe
3. Alligator
4. Baba Ghanoush
5. Bagel and lox
6. Baklava
7. Barbecue ribs
8. Bellini-Had to google it.
9. Bird’s Nest Soup-Had to google it.
10. Biscuits and gravy
11. Black Pudding (made from cooked blood)-I honestly don't know if I am willing.
12. Black Truffle
13. Borscht (Ukrainian soup made from beetroot)-
14. Calamari
15. Carp
16. Caviar
17. Cheese fondue
18. Chicken and waffles
19. Chicken Tikka Masala
20. Chile Relleno
21. Chitterlings/Chitlins-I honestly don't know if I am willing.
22. Churros
23. Clam Chowder
24. Cognac (does it count if it was in a sauce?)
25. Crabcake
26. Crickets
27. Currywurst-Had to google it.
28. Dandelion wine
29. Dulce de leche
30. Durian (southeast Asian fruit notorious for its odor)
31. Eel
32. Eggs benedict
33. Fish Tacos
34. Foie Gras-Not my favorite.
35. Fresh Spring Rolls
36. Fried Catfish
37. Fried Green Tomatoes
38. Fried Plaintain-Robert makes this for us, it's delicious.
39. Frito Pie-Had to google it-I've seen my kids eat this, but I've never had it.
40. Frog’s Legs-Chewy, not my favorite.
41. Fugu (pufferfish)
42. Funnel Cake
43. Gazpacho
44. Goat
45. Goat’s milk-At my grandma's house. 
46. Goulash
47. Gumbo
48. Haggis
49. Head Cheese-Had to google it.
50. Heirloom Tomatoes
51. Honeycomb
52. Hostess Fruit Pie
53. Huevos Rancheros
54. Jerk Chicken
55. Kangaroo-Yes! I would eat Kangaroo. Let's visit Australia.
56. Key Lime Pie
57. Kobe Beef-Had to google it.
58. Lassi (Indian yogurt drink)
59. Lobster
60. Mimosa
61. MoonPie-Had to google it.
62. Morel Mushrooms
63. Nettle Tea-Had to google it.
64. Octopus
65. Oxtail Soup
66. Paella
67. Paneer (a cheese)-Spinach Paneer Curry is delicious!
68. Pastrami on Rye
69. Pavlova (meringue cake)
70. Phaal (curry dish)
71. Philly Cheesesteak
72. Pho
73. Pineapple and cottage cheese
74. Pistachio Ice Cream-Before I developed my Pistachio Allergy. I used to get this at Baskin Robbins.
75. Po’ boy
76. Pocky-I buy these for George when we go to the Asian Market.
77. Polenta
78. Prickly Pear
79. Rabbit Stew
80. Raw Oysters
81. Root Beer Float
82. S’mores
83. Sauerkraut
84. Sea Urchin
85. Shark
86. Snail
87. Snake
88. Soft Shell Crab
89. Som Tam (spicy salad made from shredded unripened papaya)
90. Spaetzle (German dumpling or noodle)
91. Spam
92. Squirrel
93. Steak Tartare
94. Sweet Potato Fries
95. Sweetbreads
96. Tom Yum-Remember our obsession with Thai Food?
97. Umeboshi (pickled ume fruits common in Japan, similar to a plum)
98. Venison
99. Wasabi Peas
100. Zucchini Flowers-Suki used to make zucchini blossom dishes on Gilmore Girls, so when I grew zucchini in my garden I tried some too.

Am I a nerd?

Wait. Don't answer that.

I have been watching the odometer on the Camry for weeks.

Where will we be 35 miles from now?

One of my regrets is that I don't have a clue where or when we clicked over to 100,000.

I do know that the 100,000th mile in the Sequoia brought George and me home after a day at the park in Iowa.

Holy smokes, I'm excited.

I'm also a little embarrassed at how excited I feel.

Where will we be in 35 miles?

I'll keep you posted.

I wonder how much longer I will be able to get away with writing about him on the internet

I know, I talk about my kids too much. And Jack, in particular, sees a lot of print. But guess what?

Pretty soon he'll be a teenager.

His legs are longer than mine. His feet are bigger than mine.

and stinkier.

His body is all elbows and knees and sharp angles. He and I have the same color eyes, similar skin type. Wait, that's not completely true: his skin is better than mine. When I was his age, I was all freckle and pimple and perpetually sunburned nose but he has just the right amount of freckles and a tendency toward browning in the sun.

He routinely asks us to check his armpits for signs of hair growth.

Moving to St. George has been transformative for him, for all of my kids. His slump-shouldered, hesitant walk has been replaced by a confidant swagger. The people in our new community, particularly the children, are some of the most open hearted, accepting, hilarious people I have known. He is in and out of the house from the moment he arrives home from school till bedtime.

But he is almost a teenager, and with that stage of development comes emotions that are hard to understand and even harder to articulate and navigate. I remember what it was like. I remember crying my way through six years of my youth. Literally, crying Every. Single. Day.

Last night he got up in tears an hour after I had issued the "lights out" command.

"Mom," he cried. "I'm so sad."

"What's the matter?" I asked, turning off 30 Rock (feeling thankful for DVR) and reaching for him.

"I'm not sure," he gulped as he folded his angles and elbows up like a giant grasshopper on my lap. "Can I just sit with you for awhile?"

"You bet," I grunted under his weight.

A moment passed as we sat in the dark and I cradled my manchild, stroking his hair and picturing illustrations from one of our oft-read picture books.

After awhile he started talking. "I feel like I never see anyone in our family anymore. Well, like I never do anything with you guys. Everyone is just always off doing their own thing. And, Creed. I just feel jealous of him. I don't know why. I love him, but I'm jealous."

The thing is, I had been feeling the same disconnect in our family. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from pointing out that HE is the one that is always running around the neighborhood with his friends leaving all of us home pining after our Big Brother. I'm still stunned by the level of emotional maturity it takes to a) recognize that you're sad or jealous and b) vocalize it in an intelligent manner. I've known grown people who don't know how to do that!

We talked, I validated and reassured him. He eventually said "I feel better. Thanks mom," and I could hear the smile behind the words. Then the request "Could I . . . ?"

"Yes. Go get in my bed. I'll be there in a little while."

Adolescence is a roller coaster that lasts for years. The peaks can be exhilarating and the valleys can feel unfathomable. I remember. Oh, my dear babies, I remember what it was like. I promise I'll do my best to help you, eventually, disembark the ride relatively unscathed. Just a little bit scathed.

In the meantime, I will always be available for a snuggle and until you ask me not to (well, until I get caught) I'll keep writing about it.

Tina Fey Wrote This . . .

. . . and I especially love the bits about beauty/damage and playing with barbies. And the internet.

The Mother's Prayer for Its Daughter

by Tina Fey

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

The Last 6 Months Part 5

This series needs to be renamed "People Who Have Stayed in the Guest Room."

My dad and his wife, Nana Sue, stayed for a night in February. I loved showing them around my town, however, I do have a piece of advice to offer. If your parents split up after you become an adult and then get remarried, have a discussion about how their new spouse would like to be introduced to your friends and acquaintances. I'm socially awkward and I learned this lesson the hard way.

"This is my dad, and his- my- uh- er- " 

We all drove up to SLC for some time on the slopes with my brother. Jack and Creed rode in the car with their grandpa and Sue, Sara, and I joined them the next day. 

The kids had a day off in February, so I decided to load them up and drive them to Salt Lake for another weekend at Brighton. I have no pictures of Robert in his snow gear because he was working the weekend my dad was here and again this weekend . . . boo. But also, yay! My husband has a job!

Wouldn't you know it, but we ran into Candace at Brighton. I hadn't seen her in over a year! Candace is my friend who spent a week in Chicago with me, Shannon, and Jackie a few years ago. Click here to read about our trip.

Creed turned 11 and he LOVED his birthday cake.

Amanda Hancock came all the way from Iowa for a visit! I, of course, dragged her to ZNP. We hiked Angel's Landing and this time our lives were in true peril.

 There was so much ice and snow on the mountain I was terrified that someone would plummet to their death.

Christopher Garff and his Brazilian friend Joyce also spent the weekend here. They were smart enough to turn back on the trail long before we did. In truth, Jack and Creed were so far ahead of me, I was trying to catch up to them and tell them to turn around. I don't know if they understand just how close we all were to meeting an actual Angel at Angel's Landing. (To be clear: Stella and George didn't hike any of the really dangerous portions of the trail. They stayed with their dad at "base camp.")

The day we spent in Zion's was Creed's birthday and we continued our theme of the month by running into one of our friends on the trail. They  had a great time hiking down the mountain together.

Amanda and I went to Las Vegas for some shopping, some spa time, and some eating. The Bananas Foster at Mon Ami Gabi is divine.

FYI: We loved The Hunger Games. I've seen it twice.